Monday, December 5, 2022
Home ENTERTAINMENT Apple picking is fun! | the new yorker

Apple picking is fun! | the new yorker

Hi everyone, and thank you all so much for coming out to our apple orchard today! We’re thrilled that you’ve decided to spend your Saturday with us, apple picking, a fall activity that’s definitely fun for reasons we’ve never been able to clearly articulate.

And, hey, how’s this weather, right? It really is the perfect day to be out on the farm: a nasty, sweltering eighty-seven degrees in the sun, but a nasty, frigid twenty-one degrees in the shade, guaranteeing that no matter what you’re wearing, you’ll be wrong. ! There’s no better way to embrace fall than picking apples in temperatures that remind you that the genuinely comfortable part of the season now lasts only about three hours, which you’ll spend working indoors.

Oh, for your information, there are a lot of bees here. As a batch. Bees also really like apples, so they’re basically everywhere, especially in places where you won’t be able to see them until they’ve already stung you. So yeah, just a heads up.

Now for those of you with kids, let us know if they’re too young to be here or too old to be here. If they’re too small, we’ll point out the area where they can stumble aimlessly until they injure themselves reaching for an apple and start sobbing uncontrollably, forcing you to cut your trip short. If they’re too old, we recommend letting them hang out at the petting zoo, where they can post TikToks about how stupid apple picking is and how they hate you until you give up and go home. If your son is the perfect age to be here, contact his local theoretical physicist as he has clearly discovered a new age a child can be.

For those of you without children, why are you here? Like, seriously, why? We are still happy to take your money. We are confused.

Anyway, enough of all that. Time to get to the good stuff: the apples! We have all the types you could want here: red, green, reddish green, reddish green, unattractive yellow, very hard that your son who is too old to be here can throw at your son who is too young to be here, and brown. So, so many brown. Please choose many of those. They also deserve a home. And, if you’re having trouble finding good apples on the trees, we’ve conveniently picked plenty of them for you and stuffed them into large, crumbling 1973 cardboard boxes found throughout the farm. Feel free to browse through them. It’ll be as exciting as going to the grocery store, only you’re more likely to get ordered something and you had to pay twenty-five dollars to do it.

Before heading home, be sure to visit our country store, where you can buy all sorts of things we make from our apples, plus lots of butter and sugar. You definitely can’t leave without trying our world famous apple cider donuts, which have been ranked best in the state for six years in a row! We made four of them today, and they sold out fifteen minutes after we opened. sorry

So, have fun today, and we can’t wait to see you again when it’s time to pick out your Halloween pumpkins, another fall activity that’s definitely fun for reasons we’ve never been able to clearly articulate. Enjoy and be sure to collect your apples as fast as you can! The bees already know you’re here and they’re not happy about it. ♦


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